Naruto Gone Wild
by Phantoom
Summary: chapter 2 up! Kinsame's true story and the Ninja tournament. Along with a special Christmas Edition.
1. Chapter 1

**Characters are OOC**

**Chapter 8:**

Battle for Sasuke: Orochimaru's downfall 

"HAREM NO JUTSU!" Naruto shouted as he transformed. Suddenly, over a thousand blond girls popped up.

"Insolent fool, that trick would only work on the week minded. Besides, these girls do not interest me as much as you do, or any other boy for that matter." said Orochimaru. Naruto transformed back into himself and looked horrified. Orochimaru started rushing at Naruto at full force. He was going faster than a fat man on a brownie. Then Naruto had an idea; he thought to himself, "I had miso ramen yesterday, today I should have plain ramen." After that thought, he actually had a good idea. He reached into his shuriken holster and pulled out a tube of Mentos, the fresh maker. Naruto was just about to eat it to get his energy back when it was snatched by Orochimaru. Orochimaru swallowed all of it whole and chakra started bursting out of him. As strong as the force coming from Grandma Harold after "Bean Day". Orochi's power flourished until he took his final form. The form of Peter Pan! One can only imagine what comes next, but Naruto beat you to it. His eyes grew wide and he started dashing off as if there was free ramen ahead of him.

Faster and faster Peter Pan flew, until he was directly on top of Naruto. Then he grabbed rope in his mouth and tied Naruto to a tree. This basically scared Naruto into a coma, because he suddenly fell asleep. One can only image what happened after this, but just as Peter Pan was about to get his funky chicken on Sakura stopped him.

"You can continue with Naruto after you give me back Sasuke! Do not make me force you to!" said Sakura.

"I'll take the second option, I wouldn't want to give Sasuke up that easily now would I?" said Peter. He gave a loving look at Sasuke and winked at him and turned back to Sakura. "I will pick one challenge, you pick another challenge, and then Naruto picks the last event. You must win at least 2 out of the 3 challenges to get my precious Sasuke back. Deal?"

"NARUTO PICKS THE LAST EVENT! Oh god….fine, to save Sasuke I will do anything." Sakura said depressingly. She thought to herself that it would probably be stupid like seeing who can roll a sumo wrestler fastest up a hill. "You pick the first event."

"OK, the first event will be who can get a better groove thang on with the Teletubies theme song. The Naruto will be the judge of this got it?" Peter stated. Sakura went wide-eyed but agreed to the terms. The battle for Sasuke was on! Peter was up first with his useless arms and chicken legs. He started off by doing the robot chicken, and then his infamous "Sumo mumo belly bounce bash technique". In that technique, Peter summons a giant 8 headed snake and the snake begins to do the robot. Naruto scored him a 6.7 out of 10. Next was Sakura's turn in which she was stunning. She started off with the worm, then moon walk, then finally span with her head on the floor and her shirt almost a fourth off. For that stunning performance, especially the last part, Naruto gave her a 10 out of 10. Sakura had won the first challenge.

"My turn to pick," she said, "and I pick an arm wrestle!" Sakura knew very well that The Third had made it so that he could no longer use his arms, so she already had the highest advantage possible.

"OK then, I agree to the challenge." said Peter. Just then he asked to go to the bathroom first. Sakura let him go, which was a horrible mistake. "OH MY GOD THE PAIN!" (deep breathe) "URRRRRGGG, get out of me already you little demons! OH YEA, THAT'S THE STUFF! Who's your daddy you deformed pieces of dirt! GAHH, the pudding! THE PUDDING!" He started stomping his feet angrily at the ground. Then finally, it was over. He came back out with his hands covered in a green muck and smelling like Uncle Betty's cooking. "I am ready for the arm wrestle!" Peter announced with pride.

Sakura looked uneasy and her eye started twitching. She thought to herself, "his hands are so….ewe! I cannot arm wrestle him now! I have to for Sasuke!" "ALL RIGHT! LET'S GO!" So then she was about to clasp his hand when God came out of the sky and stopped her from doing so. She understood completely but lost the challenge. Then god made like Moses and separated the junk stuck to Peter Pan's hands form Peter's hands.

"Naruto I would help you out but Oprah Winfrey is on now, boy is she hot. So I have to go now, good luck with that whole hokage thing. Good bye now." said God, and just like that he went back up into the clouds and then came back down and made fun of Peter Pan. THEN he went back up to watch Oprah.

"All right people, I have thought of the last challenge! Ready for it? I sure am! The last challenge is, whomever can scare the other to forfeit. You will each be given one chance, and one chance only. Orochimaru, you begin.

"Oh this will be easy, scaring this little girl. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" shouted Orochimaru. (who finally turned back into his original form.) As fast as a hobo on a nickel Orochimaru ran into a changing room. After about two minutes he came out in a robe and stood in front of Sakura. "PREPARE FOR UTTER PAIN!" he shouted, and he made good on his threat. He took off his robe to reveal the bikini that he was wearing under it.

"OH MY GOD! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH! THE PAIN! MY EYES! MY BEAUTIFUL EYES!" Sakura screamed in agony and rated the pain as a 9.5 out of 10.

"Yes yes, and I even got implants to fill these out. I wanted to bring out my inner Haku. My mother was supportive of it to, good old Mother Teresa. Besides, I needed to change my clothes. Hadn't changed my underpants for the past seven weeks and they got a little hard and discolored. This slowed me down a bit and even made it hard for me to blend in." Orochimaru stated.

Now it was Sakura's turn and she had something in mind. "You want a kiss Orochimaru?" (she puckered her lips) Then Orochimaru got a displeased look on his face. He started squirming as she moved closer.

"ALRIGHT ALREADY! I GIVE UP! MAKE HER STOP!" Orochimaru screamed in distress. Sakura stopped obviously, for she did not want to kiss this Haku-wannabe. Naruto announced the winner as Sakura and Sasuke was given to Sakura. She was so delighted to see him, but Orochimaru was very sad. He thought to himself or herself (I'm not sure which anymore) but anyways he thought to himself, "Well at least I still have my Naruto." Just then a shuriken was thrown and cut the rope that Naruto was tied down with. Orochimaru turned to see the face of the one responsible, and was surprised to see that it was Kabuto.

"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS!" shouted Orochimaru. "You insolent fool! I had him right where I wanted him!"

"EXACTLY! That should be me down there! You remember what you promised me that night in bed? You said that you would propose to me today, but instead you've decided to go out and have a little party first I see. All of this, and then you show your new bikini to a girl first and not me. I see how it is! Even after you got me pregnant with your son!" shouted Kabuto. Everyone looked horrified right then except for Orochimaru. He seemed surprised more than horrified. Everyone was thinking to themselves about which was worse those two going out or Orochimaru getting Kabuto pregnant.

"We are not even sure if that is my baby! So why should I care for it? Please tell me why? snickered Orochimaru.

"Well you are the father, I just went on the Maury show and the DNA test shows that you are the father!" said Kabuto, "and he would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling kids, and that Demon Fox too!" Orochimaru looked as if he was going to cry and then went over to Kabuto and kicked him where the sun don't shine and then gave him a huge hug. A light covered Orochimaru and he transformed into Michael Jackson in Peter Pan clothing. He took Kabuto by his leg and flew them both off into Never Land, or a secret room in a mansion; you be the judge of that. People started hearing weird noises at night, but the strangest of all was when they heard Orochimaru or Kabuto say, "That's right boy, get in there all nice and deep-like," or "THANK THE LORD THIS IS HAPPENING TO ME AND NOT SOME WOMAN!"

MEANWHILE Naruto and Sakura greeted their newly won back friend. Then together, they walked back to Konoha with the sunset going up for some reason in the background. With all of them agreeing, they all decided not to tell everyone what "exactly" happened. I do not think that you would want to either. They went back to Konoha and Sakura and Naruto got prizes for their extravagant heroism. Each of them was risen to a Chuunin, but Sasuke was also given the Chuunin name because of what happened while he was locked up with Orochimaru. With that put to the side, the new Chuunins headed out for their next mission. Little did they know that their fate was being controlled by me. A few days after that they were all brought back to Genin level because Naruto was attacked by a squirrel and then on the same day raped by a pigeon and neither Sasuke nor Sakura helped him. Afterwards they headed off for their new mission, until they saw Hinata's team ahead of them. Naruto quickly ran to her and walked along with her not knowing the dangers ahead of them. Together they walked, back to the Hidden Village of the Mist..


	2. Chapter 2

Naruto Gone Wild: Kisame's untold stories + Welcome to the Ninja Tournament! And special Naruto Christmas Edition.

It had all happened so fast. Mother Kisame, named Earl, got pregnant with a female shark's baby. On the stretcher little Kisame was being born right in front of Earl's very eyes. It had only been this morning that Mother Kisame awoke in the fish tank with a flipper hanging out of her stomach. "Congratulations, it's a boy! Time to cut the umbilical cord," said the doctor. Earl took the scissors from the doctor and then stabbed him in the leg for blinking twice. She clipped the scissors and then it was SNAP! CARACKLE! POP! RICE CRISPIES! "Oh shoot I missed….." said Earl. "Congratulations, it's a girl!" exclaimed the doctor.

Seven years later Kisama decided that she wanted to be like her role model, Michael Jackson. So from that day forward Kisama was known as Kisame. Daily, kids made fun of Kisame for being half goat half man, but he pulled through! Kisame turned fifteen when he was finally able to get implants and also make himself look like a shark. It was complete! By the age of fifteen and a third he wanted to become a ninja. He worked extremely hard for the next two days and became a genin. Soon afterwards was the Chuunin exam. His group leader hated him and wanted him dead because he didn't know what he was and it was driving him nuts, so he entered him in in hopes that he would loose his pants and see what he was.

To the leader's disappointment the Kage couldn't tell either and just let him pass as a Chuunin. Later on he secretly turned into a secret Jounin. It was so secretive that we don't even know it. Anyways at the age of 16 he was a full fledged ninja. On his birthday his mother gave him a present. It was his Samehada, his mother explained that it was the accidental cut-off when he was born. It had grown to an enormous size that was very large and not small.

At age seventeen Kisame met Orochimaru in an evil gang of people who were not very nice. They had a little funky chicken going on for a little why but Kabuto soon came in and things moved even slower. They were as slow as mimes stuck in the matrix. The trio wasn't working. Kabuto was hogging the good parts for himself and leaving Kisame with nothing. Obviously this was not going to work, but before Kabuto could be killed by Kisame, Orochimaru and Kabuto left the organization because they feared a new comer named Itachi. He was the most beautiful thing ever to be seen. Kisame took one look into his eyes and it seemed like he was stuck in an area of only white, black, and red. Kisame saw himself stuck onto a cross and being stabbed at with a very large spoon. "As long as you are with me nothing else matters," Kisame said sweetly to Itachi while humming the Sounds Of Music.

"Hey if there were two more of us we could be like the teletubies," Kisame said. Itachi looked as if someone had removed his jaw and his pancreas but then put it back because they felt bad. "Then we could all change in the same room and get our groove thang going on," said Kisame while he attempted to look hawt while picking his nose. Itachi agreed that they should one day and they became partners. One day they were assigned in getting the Kyuubi Kid. Naruto was with Jiraiya though so since they would have surely died they waited till Jiraiya was not with him. One day Naruto joined a tournament of Ninja for no apparent reason. Kisame and Itachi decided to join. It was impossible for them to join though because it was only for Genin.

The pair decided to dress as themselves and try to say that they were held back a couple of times in the academy. The Elite Ninja of Konoha obviously fall for this and they are entered into the tournament. First battle, Neji and Rock Lee against Ino and Sakura. Lee attacks Sakura with his love shot technique having little hearts pop out of his eye going towards her when he winks at her. Neji quickly disposes of Ino and the match is finished. Next match Itachi and Kisame against Naruto and Sasuke. The long awaited battle of Sasuke vs. Itachi. What a legendary moment! The battle begins with sharp pointy lead paper balls being thrown at each other like a game of dodge ball.

Itachi has wounded his leg and begins healing himself while Naruto and Sasuke go after Kisame. Kisame does not have enough time to pull out his artificially enlarged Samehada before Naruto pulls out one of his new moves. THE UZUMAKI NARUTO RENDAN TWO BUNS DOWN! Naruto makes about fifty kage bushins and jumps at the opponent butt first. Then when they are within 10 feet of the opponent they let a big one rip. This causes tearing, blindness, bloody nose, and many after affects. "Hurry Sasuke, LIGHT HIM!" Naruto shouted. Quickly Sasuke does Phoenix Fire technique and there is a giant explosion. BOOOOOOOM! Kisame was now a fried fish on a sword except without a sword because it was accidentally removed at birth. When Sasuke used his attack it lit Naruto's farts and caused an immense explosion.

Itachi saw his lost lover and was filled with hate. He went all Mangekyou Sharingan and released a new move on them. Thousand and One Years of Pain. For what seemed like 1001 years Naruto and Sasuke suffered. This new technique is incredibly powerful because in Mangekyou Sharingan world Itachi makes his special kage bushins and does the Thousand years of pain continuously. To shoot them in whatever direction they last shot out at, and while fingers are still in their bums the Itachi clones all explode right at the time after each assault. Talk about having a hard time "releasing the demons within." After the assault ends and they are all returned to the real world it has only been about five seconds.

Naruto and Sasuke clenched to their butts as if a fat man had just been on them thinking they were brownies. Naruto and Sasuke felt so violated that Naruto had to pull out another new move to defeat Itachi. THE UZUMAKI NARUTO RENDAN TWO BUMS DOWN VERSION M! Naruto did the same to Itachi as he did to Kisame but this time he mooned Itachi. With his special copy eyes Itachi quickly memorized what Naruto's butt looked like and it started killing him from the inside out. Then there it was NARUTO SASUKE STINK BOMB COMBO! Sasuke uses his Phoenix Fire technique and BOOOOOOOOM! Itachi looks as prune looking as a grandmother in a bikini.

Winners: Team NaruSasu! Next fight : Shino and Kiba vs. Chouji and Shikamaru. Kiba started off using by using steroids to increase his power but decrease other things. Shino let his bugs out and they began their assault. Quickly Shikamaru started the first move with the legendary, and new, TWINKIE TWIRL TECHNIQUE! Everywhere Twinkies began flying out from Shikamaru and Chouji was catching all of them easily. Soon Chouji was as big as the stadium itself. For their finishing move Chouji used his Double Weight Technique and became enormous, Shikamaru held the opponents still and that was the end of that. Winners: Team ShikaChou!

The next match was Haku and Zabuza (courtesy of Orochimaru's revival Techniques) vs. Tenten and Temari. This was a truly epic battle, Tenten and Temari made a fierce team. Temari blew the opponents into Tenten's weapons which truly slaughtered them with ease. Of course they really didn't have that hard of a match considering Orochimaru didn't have hands so Kabuto did the jutsu and forgot to put kunai's into thir backs. So they were basically standing still throughout the whole match. Winners: Team T!

It was now onto the semifinal matches. First up, Naruto and Sasuke vs. Neji and Rock Lee. This would truly be a great battle. It started with Neji going all Byakugan and Lee taking of his weights. Naruto knew that the Uzumaki Naruto Rendan Two buns down would not work on these two because Lee was too fast and Neji could use his divination spin. Soon Rock Lee started heading towards Sasuke and Naruto to Neji. Rock Lee began with his Initial Lotus and Sasuke was badly wounded. Sasuke made a left punch but missed and hit Rock Lee's arm. Rock Lee moved back and took out some saki. Preparing for his drunken fist technique, Sasuke knew that if Lee attacked him with his drunken fist he would be doomed so quickly he prepared for a final assault.

Meanwhile Naruto was fighting Neji at full force with his Kage Bushins. Nej was destroying the easily with his Divination Spin. Soon there was one Naruto left and he was within the range of Neji's 64 Divination Strike. Lee hurried towards Sasuke and breaking both his pancreas and rib. Lee was a little too drunk though so he began using new techniques. Lee was able to use one jutsu and in a flash, while drunk, used it. BODY BREEDER REBIRTH TECHNIQUE! Soon, the Samehada shot out of the front of Lee's pants right at Sasuke! He was hit directly with it and dropped to the ground. Neji prepared a technique and began but before he attacked Naruto Sasuke jumped in the way. "64 MIDDLE FINGER STRIKE!" Neji called out. Neji began moving at the speed of light and giving Sasuke the finger and doing thousand years of pain repeatedly.

The attack ended and Sasuke fell to the floor. It seemed to be as unpleasant as seeing what Michael Jackson does in his free time. Naruto saw what had just happened to his friend and went in for revenge. Lee headed towards Naruto at full drunken force. Lee was heading as fast as Michael Jackson in a Peter Pan outfit. Naruto noticed the swaggers in Lee's steps and noticed that he was drunk. Hurrying he transformed into Sakura and winked at Lee. Lee being drunk didn't see that it was Naruto and started running towards Naruto with his lips puckered. Naruto quickly ran in front of Neji. Lee was heading towards them fast. Quickly, Naruto flipped Neji in the air and Lee kissed a part of him where the sun don't shine.

Lee was horrified and fainted in an instant. Now the odds were good, 1 on 1. Neji was incredibly angry and started towards Naruto. HAREM RESENGAN NO JUTSU! There were exactly 1000 Naruto's that had transformed into the Sexy Jutsu. Neji saw everyone of them because of his Byakugan and couldn't concentrate. His nosebleed shot out and laughed him 20 feet into the air. All of the Sexy Jutus began preparing the Resengan. When Neji was looked down he saw all of them and his nosebleed shot him back down at extreme speeds. It was going as fast as a fat man on a brownie. All the sexy justsus were ready with the Resengans. When Neji hit the floor the Naruto transformations yelled out "HAREM RESENGAN NO JUTSU!" At that time Neji was hit with exactly 1000 Resengans and was defeated. The Hokage quickly exclaimed that the next match would have to be postponed for a month to fix the arena.

Naruto woke up one night forgetting it was Christmas Eve when he heard thumps near his tree. He used his Ninja stealth and fell down the stairs and screamed in enormous pain as if someone had cut something else instead of his umbilical cord when he was born. He peered in the room and saw Santa Claus. Naruto was stunned by this image and then Santa turned around. Naruto jumped back in fear when he saw who Santa Claus really was. "MICHAEL JACKSON! WHY ARE YOU SANTA CLAUS!" Naruto yelled. "Oh just go back to sleep child, I'll even stay in bed with you until you do. Don't worry, I don't mind. It's hot out tonight so we don't need to wear our clothes." Naruto cringed and then began screaming. "SEXY NO JUTSU!" Naruto called out. "Aw now child, turn back into your other form this time without the clothes. You'd look much better that way." Michael Jackson stated openly. Michael Jackson had a picture strapped to his artificially enlarged chest and Naruto looked at it and laughed hard. "WHO'S THE QUIERE AND THE GUY WITH THE MUSTACHE!" exclaimed Naruto. "That's Aunt Martha with the mustache and Stuart, my sister…." said Michael Jackson. Naruto was dumbfound for a moment.

Then Naruto put an explosion tag on his kunai and attempted to do thousand years of pain on Michael Jackson. "Ah, firey. Just the way I like em. Now boy, instead of a kunai, let's try something different." Michael Jackson stated. Before he was able to finish the kunai blew up and his true form was shown. "OROCHIMARU!" Naruto exclaimed. "No, no child. Just go back to sleep, I'm really Santa Claus." Michael Jackson said. "See every year, Asians do not burn because when we turn red we turn into Santa Claus. Why else could we deliver presents so quickly? I love this job, giving presents to little boys. Watching the little boys sleep. It is the most pleasurable thing in my world. Besides, I tried to be a nanny but it didn't work out." Said Orochimaru. (FLASBACK TIME) "Hello? Hi I am calling for the nanny job? Said Orochimaru. "Ok that's great, I have one boy and one girl." said the lady. "Sorry I don't do the girls because I use to be one." said Orochimaru. "…" then the lady hung up. "Hello? I was just wondering if that job for being nanny was open?" said Orochimaru. "Yes, I have 3 young boys who cannot right or read or talk so that if you did anything inappropriate with them they would not be able to tell me." said the pregnant young man. "Sorry but I am trying to quit." Remembering that he was now with Kabuto. (UNFLASHBACK) "See child, I have had a bad past, so cant you just cut me some slack this time and loose the pants?" Orochimaru said

At that exact moment Jesus came out of Naruto's Christmas tree and punished Orochimaru. "OH MY GOD YOUR JESUS!" shouted Naruto. Jesus nodded and turned to Orochimaru. "Where is my money?" Orochimary asked. "Um……..about that……" Jesus ran off. "YOU HOLY BASTARD!" exclaimed Orochimaru and ran after him. "What a weird……..Christmas….." Naruto dully said. "Oh well, back to sleep!" Naruto jumped back in bed and had a great dream. Naruto awoke in the hands of what seemed to be Orochimaru in a Peter Pan outfit. O boy…….Naruto killed him and then started walking back to the tournament. "I wonder what type of ramen there is at the tournament." Naruto said as he walked into the sunlight. Then he notice it was too bright and he fell to the ground covering his eyes.


End file.
